The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. But what upset me more is his reaction. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! . 1. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Well done, as always, my friend. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. Hah! Good stuff all around! So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. "I cant win for losing. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. Nip . Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. But it was annoying. All rights reserved. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Oh, This Old House. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. Definitely. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. When they are able to see the. Is it forcing or is it parenting? They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. Liquid Luck My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. He is dedicated and hard-working. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. Settlers of Catan! Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. Forget it. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. Ha! And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. Whats ok is to have a balance. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. To care for our two young kids. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? Yes! My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki Act like one. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. I had the same experience at college! First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Definitely! As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. | How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. lets_be_honest Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. Absolutely Dad! If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. YES! I was thinking this too. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. Older and (hopefully) wiser Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Her free spirit and spontaneity. Hmm, maybe. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. I hated, and still do, all of those things. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. bittergaymark So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. My brother did not. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. She played Meribor (spelling.) No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Usually sharks.). Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. lets_be_honest No. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. lets_be_honest I got a very different vibe from this. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. PostedOctober 22, 2014 When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. As always, your anonymity is golden. painted_lady The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. Which is exactly why she wrote in. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? It struck me the wrong way, too. 1. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. You will learn from all of them. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. lets_be_honest It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. A lot of painful disappointments in life. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them.